‘Stupid!’

A 6-letters word I wish i can take back. it had been already said, well heard with a sharp and loud intonation to express my rage, but i dont know if i am relieved or feel guilty. it just bursting out from my slap-deserved mouth, like a quick feedback to warn people im about to explode. Mocking me like a childish naive person who dont know anything, dont you know that it was hurtful?


I know that i shouldn’t interfered in ur business at the first place. U always say u can manage it but eventually, u will failed. The way u’re thinking was like a same linear pattern. It was just a matter of time that u will realize it. But im afraid it might be too late so i guess maybe i can help, eventhough u keep turning me down. My intention was pure, i wanted to help. Is it too much to accept that sometimes we do need help, that we are not perfect? Am i being so freaking annoying, but whatever it is, we r still related.


I keep my eyes on, observing the subtle changes from your body languages, facial impressions and moods. I can tell everytime i tried to open my mouth, u will shut it off right away. I have right to speak, to channel any problem solving method that i know of. But as expected, my opinion doesnt matter. U tend to change the subject when im trying really hard to participate.


Plan your work, and work your plan. Any problem can be tackle using this phrase. However, u tend to give up even u haven’t started it yet. And u have this belief, that u will say to urself ‘dont worry, everything’s gonna be fine’. No it is not. Be rational. Just because u got luck in the past doesnt mean u gonna get it this time.


Cant u see it? R u halfly blinded? U will never go anywhere if the attitude persist. U will still be there. Even worse u might go backwards. Is that what u want?


There are a lot, inside of me, which i am not proud of. U’ve known me very well, put in trust that i can change. I really appreciate it coz whenever i feel down i know which shoulder i can lie on. But why r u betraying urself, as if u didnt know that i’ll be at ur side no matter what? Do u think that i am not strong enought to back u up whenever u encounter hardtime? Or i will make fun of u when u cant solve a problem?


I am a big boy now, or a better label, a man. I can stand at my own feet, despite a kid personality exteriorly, try me. Put me in desert, throw me in ocean, send me to northpole, i’ll give u my word, that i’ll survive regardless. I am tough, i am a warrior, a fighter. Stop treating me like a schoolboy, that i need to be spoonfeed almost everything.


i have to do something. This must not go on. Or else i might lose u. That was the last thing i can think of. Everytime i am mad at u, i will reminisce the old sweet memory u equipped me with. Hating u is so impossible, because the bond existed was too strong. I can affirm u’ll always have a space inside my heart, at least.


Sorry seems to be the hardest word. I guess that is truth. Especially when u dont think its ur fault. That somebody elses were to be blame. But u have to make it right this time. Learn to let thing go and gain self-respect. forgive urself for whatever flaw u made and only then, u can start learn to say ‘I AM SORRY’ to others.

Anger and solution

The whole week my heart was full of hatred and anger. I easily lost temper on small ocassion as if it was a tragedy ( althought it sounds typical me) lol triggering factor that ignite the light will be that fine looking police konstabel which heart doesnt resemble his face much. He is so discipline doing his job, never consider people problem, and lack of empathy. Yeahh he is not a doctor after all ;p

And that is how RM150 fly freely out of the wallet, screaming high-pitched Mariah Carey whistling voice sounds ‘have a nice dayyyy’ zzzz well I try to reach it by i couldnt. It has flown too high. And then it dissapear, gone with the wind. Then i wake up. i take a deep rapid breathing. Similar to kussmaul breathing except there were no accessory muscle retraction involvement. I feel angry that myself try to deceive me, eventhough it was just a cynical dream. i really need to punch somebody faces right now, then make a Japanese slap, followed by muay Thai kick and finish with a French kiss :3

To make it worse, im broke. Two weeks holiday sounds heaven to any medical student since our body need to relax and indulge too, get away from any medical stuffs. I was thinking, Bali will be a great destination. I have heard there are so many beautiful places u can visit, like 10 sheets of pampheletes about LUXURIOUS hotels u can stay on plus so many EXPENSIVE water sports u can try up. DAMN IT . Why was anything enjoyful in this world need money?? Jessie J “Pricetag” song should have been abolished for this reason lol On the bright side there are rumors spreading that a lot of people lose virginity there, for FREE!! Ok ok readers age 21 and below can click red X button now. This entry has a lot of sexual material waiting ahead. So go now. I mean it, NOW!! SEKARANG!! 现!! अब!! Nunc!! duhh the last one may not be necesscary coz ur traffic statistic clearly shows that the viewers confine towards Peninsular Malaysia lol

Aarghh i really need to shake this stress away. Or maybe throw the anger out. Or kick the fun in. Or put happy face on. Sounds redundant but im using deodarant. not funny but hilarious. Not irritating but annoying. Ok Stop it stup id.
In short, the only solution is to take a vacation, bungy jumping or Las Vegas ;D Obviously i cant afford any of it at the moment, so i came up with this idea. A classic reverse psychology. This is how it works, there’s a tiny space at the corner of my mind will automatically control my perception so that i believe certain things, regardless the truth. Like when seeing people going someplace, i’ll think “owhh maybe they are visitting their old grandpa who is sick”. When people buy new things, “owhh maybe they didnt buy it on cash”. when they get married, “owhh maybe because they’re having a child out of wedlock” ;) And when i find out any fellow rides the same boat , specifically didnt go anywhere coz financially incapable, im going to mock them, insult them, make status on fbook about how miserable their life is until they committed social suicide o_0

As i write this i feel a bit calm, steady. Maybe the last idea somehow give me hope ;) well i find a conclusion which was one of my favourite line. It says; u may be a painter but im the Painting, u can be a singer but i’m the Song, u are a poetry but i’m the Poem and the line is at the same tangent when i said im a psychiatrist ;)

GHOST DAY

Its not halloween, and it was like 2 weeks from the last time i saw a horror movie, but i feel haunted by a creature, i’ll say a demon, who is super gorgeous, can’t read my mind, that my smell arouse him... err him? GROSS! Damn u Stephanie Meyer. U should’ve wrote another version of masterpiece where the villain is a girl. Now in a way i am confused with my sexual orientation. Juz kidding of coz la im straight grrr (note: homo people will never admit their status ) 0_o

As u can see on top is the title. A smart person will think it’s the day that i encountered ghost. Or the famous ‘trick or treat’day that i being forced to wear fancy costumes and undress/stripping while dancing near the pole. Ok not funny haha But a smarter person will doubt it as the ghost themselves will think twice before showing up (not because i’ve a good foundation of religious weapon) but vice versa lol “How could a human being more evil than we are?”, murmured ghost A.” Maybe bcoz we are new at this, see we just got headshots while robbing 3 days ago”, whispered ghost B. “Enoughh!!!” said ghost C while continuing writing.

Back to the title, it’s called ghost day because clearly a ghost at its nature haunted people. It’s pretty pathetic if a ghost incapable of petrifying people up ;) so these are the 3 “special day” i’ll never forget for the rest of my life coz it haunted me ghostless( exclude when im getting old, i might have dementia, and when i pray, coz i tend to put all things aside) ;D

The first one is THE DAY I LOSE VIRGINity, ok scratch the last word out, it’s PPM BASKETBALL. I wanted to win so much i GPS the place where the national level took place every day after practice. This is before our team didnt make it to national. Ok i may sound exagerrate a bit, but it’s a healthy way of enlighten people, our local politicians does that ocassionally lol i’ve been HAUNTED eversince.

Next is THE DAY I GET JPA SCHOLARSHIP. Sounds flawless huh? Yeah maybe bcoz i intentionally left the word “didn’t” prior to the word get. Which means that apparently im not entitled. Or i’ve been rejected. That someone else got that offer. Please, go scream ur name spelled backward loudly if u still dont understand - _- I was so confident being accepted as a small ambassador of my country, to pursue studying in a land where people dont feel so excited when snow falls down ;( i’ve literally throw away every offer letter from Matriculation, SPA, private college, even IMG 0_o I’ve been HAUNTED eversince.

The last one occurred recently, precisely 6 months ago. It was THE DAY I FAILED PROCEED YEAR. Slap ur face twice if u expecting any errors from the capital words lol . I cant sleep, loss my appetite despite gaining weight, cant talk French well and couldnt concentrate on trigonometry. Neglect the two latter parts, that were my subconscious projections of being a French Mathematical analyst. and i’ve been HAUNTED eversince.

The way i see it, all of the incidents come unexpectedly. Maybe i was too confident of achieving my goal, and expecting too much from it. As a result i had severe breakdown and unable to erase it out of my system. Screw that. Even the marriage of Shannon Doherty and Ashley Hamilton lasts less than 6 months. Needless to say, there is no happy ending at all . BUT ever heard of $100 million Amy Irving’s settlement from Steven Spielberg after their 34-month marriage ended?? There is a spark, after all.